


Spelldrive screw-ups

by littleberd



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: ... it is happening right now, Dib wasn't the only one effected, F/F, F/M, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, Irkens don't even know what humans are, M/M, Operation Impending Doom II hasn't happened yet, Spelldrives that are really outdated, You're a wizard Dib, guess what spell is still active~?, poor Dib, prof Membrane is in denial, taller Zim, teenager Dib, that's right!, these poor idiots, too bad Dib, totally don't know what I'm doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 15:59:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5632504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleberd/pseuds/littleberd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dib goes to a Swollen Eyeball Network meeting and when an ancient story full of coincidences is told and a spelldrive is shown it immediately reacts to Dibs presence. Turns out, Dib is something otherworldy. He <i>had</i> raised the walking dead but this just proved it. And when the Swollen Eyeball Network pressures Dib into performing a spell, Dib does.</p><p>However... as you might have guessed... Dib screws up.</p><p>Hope you enjoy~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spectacular backfires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All words can be found at one of these three sites.
> 
> http://history-world.org/sumerianwords2.htm 
> 
> http://nookofnames.com/category/world-names/sumerian-names/
> 
> http://s155239215.onlinehome.us/turkic/40_Language/SumerDictionaryEn.htm 
> 
> I'm too lazy to correct anything autocorrect got it's grubby little demonic hands on and the end notes won't let me put everything in so... happy hunting!

"Greetings Agent Mothman." A crooked-backed old man melts from the ancient oaks inky shadow.

"Hi," Dib answers reluctantly back, but recognizes the voice, "wait a second... Agent Darkbootie!?"

The old man cackles warmly, " yep kiddo, it's me. Follow me if you will." And with that he melds back into the darkness, Dib looks around but follows.

(Btw, I didn't realize how creepy and pedophile-y I made Agent Darkbootie. But, Agent Darkbootie isn't like that at all, guys I SWEAR! X'D)

*************************

All Dib could utter when he arrived was, "Wow."

They were traveling through the sewers and had come to an abandoned subway station, though not abandoned to the Swollen Eyeball Network.

Walls were lined with mythological doo-dads, supernatural baubles, and different casts and body parts of cryptid creatures that half looked real and half looked like they were made with duct tape and wood glue.

They soon came to a circle of chairs, all occupied except for their two chairs. There was a punk girl with pink hair and enough piercings to make a goth jealous. Teddy, a scientist from Membrane labs that he only vaguely remembered in the signature white turtleneck lab coat and safety goggles. A man with a raven, _that has to be Agent Disembodied Head_ , with a bald shiny head and a cheap pair of futuristic sunglasses that you could buy at practically any comic-con. Bill, the wannabe paranormal investigator that Dib REALLY wishes he's never met is wearing a fedora and constantly whispering something that is _definitely_ "Count Cocoafang" over and over again. An elderly gentleman that bares a remarkable resemblance to Countess Von Verminstrasser only bald and male with a tube connected to the right side of his cyborg-ish face. And last but not least, an android-looking man that seems more like a reject model of a build-a-bear chucky with no hair and metal tubes connecting with his head, like he took tips from the Matrix too far, in a wheelchair.

The last said man/android coughs, gesturing to the seats, his helium afflicted words ring clear, "Now that everyone is here, I'd like to formally introduce everyone. Agent Mothman, crazy house for boys #1 patient, Dib Membrane. Agent Tunaghost, the lovely hacker and aspiring rebel blogger, Veronica spindler. Agent Nessie, genius chemist and geneologist, Teddy Fletchen. Agent Disembodiedhead, researcher and historian extrordinar, Dexter Brakern. Agent Darkbootie, founding father of our dear little network, Jonathon Lance. Agent Cerealvampire, the _esteemed_ and _renown_ paranormal *cough*charlatan*cough* investigator, Bill Corchak. Agent Fru-frufae, spiritualist/medium/fairy-whisperer/phone book salesman, Michael McMellonhead. And myself... Agent Bigfootstilettos, president of this network and son of Jonathan Lance, Brady Lance Reyes." He points to each individual addressed.

"So why are we here Agent Bigfootstilettos?" Agent Nessie asks impatiently, turning a tad shade red, "If you all brought me here to show off another duct-tape monster arm or wood glue artifact I'm going to quit right here and right now."

Agent Darkbootie puts a reassuring hand on Teddy's shoulder, "Nope, this is genuine Teddy. Agent Tunaghost found a lead on something of Great power and importance. Agent Disembodiedhead would you please enlighten the rest of us with the story of the shlel-em ra witch of the fertile crescent?" Jonathan sits and Dexter stands.

"The shlel-em ra witch of the fertile crescent is the first story to ever be written that has been confirmed by us but concealed by the government. Agent Tunaghost has sole claim to making that find available to us." Veronica stands and bows with an exaggerated flourish, and sits once more.

"It is a rudimentary slab of writing that had never been translated successfully until the UFO crash of 1977. Coincidence that the slab had little to no information in it's file in the Pentagon but then 3 minutes after the recorded crash happens there's 50+ files on the slab? I think everyone can make the next conclusion for themselves-"

"COUNT COCOAFANG STRIKES AGAIN!"

Everyone turns to deadpan at Bill, Dexter coughs and continues in a biligerant voice, "The writing on the slab is of alien origin. And Agent Tunaghost copied said file and sent it to me to determine what it truly says. Now mind that what I read is based on old religions and are not to be taken literally as well as this is my first time reading it. Many of the things I describe could be items that can be explained by Agent Nessie or even Agent Fru-frufae..." He procures an ipad and begins reading.

_"They came in swarms, shining insects filled the land with light and death. They would encase a human and then move to the next leaving nothing of the deceased behind. They were searching for something, something that held enormous power. The creatures were considered animals until one of them took a different course of searching. It stopped a swarm from killing me. I had saved a fellow orphan by the name of Keef, I trembled on the ground in my skins, weary of these harbingers of light and death. It clicked and chirped at the others viciously, then turned to me. I was terrified-no there is no word to describe looking into the maw of death for how much fear I must have been exuding. It's demeanor changed just as fast as they could destroy me. It shyly fluttered like a giant butterfly towards me, I sat as still as possible, daring not to even breath for fearing of this beautiful killer changing it's mind and making me it's newest victim."_

***

A single tiny harmless foot touched my knee, "My name is Acrinar Sluizan. We are searching for things human. We have been unsuccessful in finding it so far. But perhaps you could help us. It would stop us from killing needlessly and allow us to return home and never return. You would like that yes?"

I froze, the creatures could communicate with us, "Y-yess... w-why are you not killing me?"

"Because you were the first human to not run away from us. You were willing to sacrifice your life for a smaller human. You showed _me_ that you are brave. You also have a big enough head that can minimally handle our mind-meld, which is very intriguing. So do you accept the offer? Or do you want to be erased from existence?" The creature quirked a long pale eyebrow looking appendage.

I frowned and creases appeared inbetween my eyebrows, "Th-that depends on what you want exactly. And what you're planning on doing to us further when you finally get these things. You have to promise me that no one will ever be hurt by you or your kind again if I help." My stand clear.

Acrinar smirks, winged limb outstretched, "Deal human. What is your name? It is rather awkward calling you by your species rather than by your name, I did, afterall, introduce myself."

I gently take Acrinar's winged arm and shake it, "It's Duga'Isten'Baraqu it means-"

"It means dark/crown one lightning hits. How did you get a name like that I wonder? Only humans showing celestial or naturally distinctive humans are given such long names." I let go of Acrinar's limb.

"See the annoying piece of hair on my head that stands out? I was born with it It refuses to stay down and resembles the sky fire that flashes during storms, my hair's also black therefor Duga-dark crown, Isten-one, Baraqu-lightning hit. That's why my pre-name is Duga and not Mer or An. Mer being storm winds and An being sky. I myself would've liked Uga instead." I correct.

"Why Uga? Why a bird?" Acrinar asks, head quirking curiously sideways.

"Because I like the color black, and the ravens are far smarter than anyone gives them credit for. They are the only birds not fooled by my scarecrows to date. They seem to like me too, they fly right up to me and land on my shoulder." I explain, gaining more confidence, breathing coming easier and heart rate not racing.

"So what exactly are you trying to find?" I ask hesitantly.

Acrinar looks into my eyes, black but full of light, describing those orbs as the night sky wouldn't give them justice, "We are trying to find the crystal craniums of powerful creatures long since extinct. And a being disguised among you Duga that was never meant to be... a hybrid of that said race and ... human. We must kill her, Or all will come to an end. Life cannot exist without death... therefore she is considered nothing short of an abomination. She has unimaginable powers, is highly dangerous, and will seek the desctruction of death. So that Life will no longer exist. And with that gone... we all will become nothing in the abyss of Time."

****

Everyone is staring at Dib.

"Well... that coincidence is pretty sketchy. Duga'Isten'Baraqu... D-I-B..." Agent Fru-frufae whispers quietly.

"And the kid's cranium is pretty gargantuan." Agent CerealVamp conceads.

"Likewise is a single strand of black lightning shaped hair." Agent Bigfootstilettos adds. 

The slumbering raven on Dexter's shoulder awakens and shakes itself, makes eye contact with Dib, and is suddenly cuddling with Dib like a kid with it's favorite stuffed animal.

"umm..." Dib's eyes are as wide as dinner plates, everyone's jaws are to the floor.

"Seems like there's a bit too many coincidenses here. Perhaps young _Dib_ is a reincarnation of Duga? Or maybe Duga is an ancient ancestor? The story will surely shed some more light on the situation?" Jonathan quickly interrupts, Dexter grabs for his raven but it squacks like an angry parrot and makes to bite at his fingers. Dexter glares and grumbles but returns to the story.

"We then began our journey, for the girl and her other half's species' skulls, traveling across many different lands and being exposed to severa environments, all barren of human life. We gathered the skulls with little difficulty; However, the girl was a different matter. She could destroy a swarm with the flick of her wrist, and she did just that. Thankfully Acrinar was sleeping in my bag as she had become likely to do the lazy twerp. But I would have missed her, she had become a close friend during the 3 years of our companionship. She alone had been spared from the blast. But the girl, she had outlandish purple hair, a small stature like a 10 year old child, and seemed to have the pure evil presence as a God demon."

***

"Why are you helping them big-head? They killed my people. What's to stop them from killing everyone else?! Do you even know what they do to the planets they conquer? To the living creatures on ANY planet they've inhabitated!?" The small girl growls, arms crossed, eyes squinted.

"They've killed humans to find YOU! YOU'RE THE REASON WHY THEY ARE KILLING! Acrinar promised that the killing would stop if you died. The Sklel-em ra Witch, half human and half _other_ you're immortal, a crime against nature itself! And if you do not die the universe will perish. You will be far more guilty of murder than the meekrob will if you continue to live. Your continued existence is only valid until every living thing dies! And if you continue sucking the life energy from this planet then there will be nothing left for me to save!"

She snorts, "sounds like a personal problem. But you should know that I don't suck out life energy. I _AM_ life energy."

I scrunch up my face, "what do you mean you _are_ life energy? You are immortal, you _have_ life energy but you aren't _life energy_ itself!"

The purple haired girl shakes her head sadly, "Nope I really mean I am Life energy itself. The only source of it left. Why do you think they want my family's skulls? It's all that remains of their life energy. They could live for eternity off of just 6 of them. But they have all 13 now. And I'm the only thing really standing in their way of universal domination. You want lives to be spared? If you don't spare mine then all will die soon after. But even then, that's impossible for you. Only _the one_ can kill me and live-"

I stab her through the heart, her ice cold hands grip my shoulders painfully, "So it was you after all Dimuzi I knew you would send me to our family. It's finally over, this meaningless existence of mine..." she looks into my eyes, her identical hazel orange eyes steal my breath away. I remember my life with this small girl... my sister, Gula'Ana'Ziusudra her taking my memories and powers so I could hide, everything she said... I killed her... I just _KILLED MY OWN SISTER!_

"I'm sorry we meet like this brother dearest after so long apart..." she starts hacking up black blood, tears flood my eyes,"but I know you understand now. They killed our family, we hid here and I erased your memories. We are the last Dimuzi, for you are no longer Duga the human, you are my brother Dimuzi, my big brother... you have to escape... don't let them take you. Run Dimu... I love-"

Acrinar snuck her tails around Gula's neck and decapitates her in one smooth crack. The _creature_ I had called friend... it _used_ me. Used me to kill my sister, my dear little sister who alone harbored our memories so I could hide my unbearable presense among the humans. If Gula was life-energy itself... a source. Then I was the fucking big bang of life-energy. Coils of the rainbow-like substance swirled around me in waves, grass and vegitation was beginning to cover the floor in layers.

"So the nir-gál has finally awakened. The heir of the Namtilla line. The last of the Zimuandagal. Dimuzi'Immaru'Baku also known as Duga'Isten'Baraqu it is time to offer yourself to the meekrob as your family and sister should have years ago." Acrinar says coldly.

"Why are you all so evil!? You were my friend!"I yell, how could this happen. Acrinar kept me safe, I saved her life and she saved mine many times over. If there was anyone I could trust I thought it was the meekrob.

"Correction, I am your guardian. I could see your fear when we first met, your mind was screaming it. No human would be able to communicate like you could. Though I do love you as your guardian I cannot let you live Duga... or should I call you Dimuzi? Your time of death will have to wait but it will be soon. We're a day away from completing the tower. And when it's last brick is layed... you will be at the top... reading from the spelldrive, right next to your dead relatives heads. You will always be remembered as the mighty hero who sacrificed himself to end the Irken Empire. I will be proud of you Duga... it is the most honorable death a meekrob could ever wish for. It will bring great joy and happiness from their destruction. Your name will be sung throughout time and space. Though I will miss you dearly, it is for the best. Because if you do not destroy them, they will destroy the entire galaxy soon after they destroy all life on this planet." Acrinar laments, slowly fluttering towards me as if I were an injured fawn and she a helping hand.

I shoved past her, running with as much life-energy as I could muster powering my feet. Acrinar could not keep up, and soon I came to the tower... the tower that was to be my family and I's crypt if Acrinar and her people are successful. But the only way I can make sure they do not succeed is to destroy the very machine they built. That hulking shining tower of mysterious dark metal will have to fall.

I stealthily sneak into the tower, _there's got to be some way to destroy this thing!_ … then a sudden hard pressure to the back of my head knocked me out cold.

I awoke in a glass quppu, hands shackled to a Dias surrounded by my family's crystal skulls and my sister's decapitated head. And there in front of me was the spelldrive. Despite it's bookish/technological innocent look... this thing is the killer of too many species to count, speciocide's number one cause.

There's a tap on the glass to my left and there's Acrinar, floating softly, glowing white and blue. Who knew such a beautiful intelligent and seemingly gentle creature could be so heartless?

"It's time _Ninurta_... you are our shining _Maklu_ after all... when your realatives skulls ziana shi is absorbed the spelldrive will turn on and you'll gain access to the _semu_ and _wardum_ spells. And with the last _dari_ … _mul_ and then, when our greatest _Amelnakru_ the Irken Empire comes... _mulki_ will then spill ziana shi as you chant the _nusku_ … and then the universe's ziana shi will be ours for the taking!"

I snort, a sneer making itself at home on my face, " And what makes you think. I would listen, let alone do, _Anything_ you have to say!? You BETRAYED me. You TRICKED me into KILLING MY LITTLE SISTER! And before that, you sent me to collect MY OWN FAMILIES SKULLS **THAT YOU MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD** TO BE ABSORBED AND MADE INTO A RAY OF ENSLAVING DOOM that you will unleash on the your enemies and proceed to CONQUER AND TRICK AND BETRAY AND **MURDER** THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE until there isn't ANYTHING LEFT TO SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF! HAAHAAAHAHAAAH! OF COURSE I'LL FUCKING DO WHAT EVER YOU SAY!"

"I don't like that sarcasm Duga, it's inappropriate at this moment. And you don't have a choice, see..." Acrinar holds up a small spelldrive, "This Spelldrive is that ones counterpart, it is highly concentrated and complex and extremely _potent_. It's spells can only be broken if the object is also broken, or in your terms? Dead."

I do a double take, "Then What the Fuck are you using me, the skulls and THIS SPELLDRIVE FOR! IF IT'S SO FUCKING POWERFUL!??"

"Yours, in a word, has a greater range, yours can reach galaxies away while this one can just reach the edges of this city, and while yours can traget multiple vague objects... mine can target and bind a single target to overkill. But this Spelldrive in my hands was only a back up plan Duga... I had faith-hope that you would have chosen the righteous path, but you are part of that dead accursed race and weak pitiful human species." She turns her phosphorescent back to me, "I should have know better than to dillude myself into seeing even a _spark_ of meekrob in your worthless _Anzillu_ hide."

She opens the spelldrive, turns to face me, and begins the _nusku_ , chanting chirps and echoes and flowing wind and damning waves of flame. A ruckus from the stairwell behind acrinar, the clicks and hisses of malevolent glee mix with the macabre gurgling and slicing sounds of death. Flesh on metal, slice, slice, crunch, thump.

A single entity ascends to the top, not meekrob but equally as deadly and alien it seems. Arrogant yet cold magenta dragonfly eyes seem to burn, green reptillian and smooth flesh gleams on long lean muscle, a good 7 ft tall. A pink robe with black pants, boots, and gloves dawns the extraterrestrial, what looks like a mix between speak and fuzzy antenna tilt forward, slightly curved, on it's head. It smirks and cockily walks towards my glass prison.

"Greetings _azag aku_ , you didn't think you invaded this spinning ball of dirt unnoticed did you?" It waltzed right up to my clear pen and rapped it's hand on the glass. I simply grinned, _these bastards aren't going to win!_. It looked at me funny, then grinned at me with sharp-looking square serrated teeth like I was a hen gift wrapped before him, a fox. I didn't flinch though, only renewed my glare at Acrinar and started lifting my unchained legs up to kick at the spelldrive. Tearing pages and deleting files, a maniacal grin spread along my face. If I could not get out and away from the spelldrive... then I could just destroy the spelldrive while Acrinar was busy with terrifying savior over there. I race to destroy the last pages of the accursed technological book.

"NOOOOO! DUGA STO-"

The green alien cackled as it tackled my friend turned foe. A PAK on it's back releases long lethal metal appendages that slice and dice at the smaller quicker body. The tables quickly turn on the green insect-like humanoid, Acrinar calls forth more of her deadly kind and soon my savior is likewise a captive, I look back at the book and see the tab for the spell is 120 useless pages away from destruction. The situation has been reversed.

An idea blinds me with it's light, I quickly and gently flip pages, looking for the spell, the simplest most ingenious spell created, whispering it to the spelldrive as they are distracted in their struggle with their _other_ unwilling captive, light airy swirls and harsh stones against stones, the gentle humming of a bee. I tear the page to shreds after finishing.

They chain him a mere 5 yards infront of me, their backs in plain view. His eyes glare, ever raging and unconquerable fire gleams in those orbs, his wrists never cease their pulling on their shackles. His eyes meet mine, I can't resist a grin and a wink, he stops for all of three seconds, confusion on his face but I quickly put on my earlier face of rage but tone it down with a touch of hopelessness. The being in front of me pulls with renewed vigor, he doesn't grin with his mouth, but his eyes tell me he knows I have a plan.

Acrinar returns to her place, ruffled with several leaking slashes, she continues. I yell scream and screech my throat and voice raw, anything and everything, trying to stall her and make me appear as desperate as I was a few moments ago. She buys it, even cuus an 'I'm sorry, but it has to be done Duga' to me.

She continues the spell, raining boulders and snakes hisses, whistling trees song and butterflies wing beats. I feel the spell taking hold of me, I do as she says and activate the spell her murderous race has been craving to for as long as I can remember, they take a dagger, gleaming cold life-less metal, and stab me in the back. I gasp and scream the spell in agony, blood mixing with tears, the creature in front of me snarls and with renewed vigor claws at the shackles, pinkish clear blood seeping from it's wounds. I smile exhaustedly when it's over, and my fellow prisoner finally breaks free.

His blood had melted the shackles through, he massacred them, activated his deadly metal limbs and continued what he had been stopped from doing moments ago. And that is when the spell finally took affect. The creature would say something gruesome but would end the sentence with "hold still". They did as they were commanded, eyes going wide as saucers as the shiny limbs sliced through them like butter in a spray of their own blood.

The creature finally caught on when one tried to dive out of the way, but at his word the meekrob stopped. It's bloody gem eyes blinked owlishly, but then he gave it another command and it followed.

To say I laughed like a psychopath is an understatement. The creature looked at me and I grinned with all of my being. It's returning grin held no malice directed at me, but I could feel the assured demise of the meekrob capturers in it. He cackled and slew any movement, he commanded them to stay in a line and move forward, lopping off heads in a orderly fashion, the faces of his victims either angry, desperate, or fearful. Acrinar still stood in her spot, the spell would not effect her as it did the others. The meekrob's enemies could control them. But since it was a reverse spell... I could control Acrinar. In one spell I made the Meekrob's entire plans of more than a millenia backfire in the worst way possible. I had essential stole the guards keys and weapons and given them gift wrapped to the inmates.

But as more Meekrob blood spilled on the ground, the more my lifeblood and ziana shi was absorbed into the book. I looked at a fearful Acrinar and parroted a innocent line with a cuu, "I'm sorry Acrinar, but this is how it has to be. Give your life to your enemy." She walked over to the green being, but just as he sliced her small fragile neck... she stabbed him in the back with a long tail-end of her winged limbs. He staggered as she fell, headless, to the ground.

The green humanoid hissed in pain but continued the killing until there were no more to slay. It hobbled over to me, breathing hard, I had long ago slumped in my chains from blood loss.

"You fought well Sananu'Damu." It said, while opening my container with a slice from his limbs, slicing also the chains holding me up. He catches me before I can fall, though my grin had turned to a grimace long ago, I still managed a painful chuckle. He laid me on a clear patch of stone and sat next to me.

"I wish to record your story Shul, your sacrifice deserves praise from my race and yours." It says, quietly.

I shake my head, "m-y *cough* my race is de-*cough cough, wheeze* ad. Mitu. But I-I *cough wheeze* wouldn't mind. Just-just promise me that *cough* the lifeforms of this pla-*wheeze cough wheeze* net will have no more death threats from your kind or the *cough wheeze cough* Azag-*cough, wheeze*."

It grins slightly, more of a knowing smirk than his usual display of sharp serrated square teeth, "It will be so. This planet, Nibruki, shall never again have to worry about the Meekrob or any such vile races. And the Irken Empire shall hold a Kataru by my shi I Tamu. Your hyuumunz shall be safe. What are you called Etlu?"

I laugh. _What is my name anymore? I was once Duga'Isten'Baraqu... but before and after that I was Dimuzi'Immaru'Baku. Who am I?_ , "I no-*wheeze, cough, cough, cough, cough*longer have a name. What is yours?"

"It is too long for you to pronounce Seher'Isten." My vision was fading, my breathing and heart beat were slowing.

"Then-how *cough wheeze cough coughwheeze wheeze* about Zim-*cough, wheeze, cough, cough, wheeze*" and I died. This story is the true account of a brave and welcomed Ahu of the Irkens. The Shul who recorded this story died seconds after downloading it to the control brains. But his last request before shutting down was, that if he ever was recycled, then the irken would be named Zim, in honor the young creature who single-handedly brought down the meekrob race. The few Meekrob left are being used as batteries to the current control brains.

*******

Dib stared in open awe.

"So this Duga dude saved our entire planet? Dang!" Teddy exclaims, an outburst from him only happens once a blue moon.

Veronica coughs, everyone looks at the hacker, "That's not all though~ I had to pull some major strings to get something a little extra for you guys. Because we all know the world won't take this story as anything but a myth, a legend, a story kids were told as a bedtime story way back when. Especially with the government trying to shove it under it's already bulging rug. So guess what little ol' me got as accompanying evidence?"

"A meekrob corpse?"

"If it's a crystal skull then you know it could just be another fake."

"oh-oh! COUNT COCOA FANG'S K9?"

Everyone glares at the last one, Bill just ignores the seething glances.

Dib, is still trying to think of what it could possibly be, then a lightbulb flickers.

"A spelldrive?"

Agent Tunaghost grins almost demonically, "nope, nope, nope... and yes."

She magic's out a small square shaped object, it looks like the love child of a book and a modern laptop.

This, my fellow believers, is the smaller spelldrive mentioned on the tablet. Now I've got a date I've got to get to... one of those strings I pulled would only get it if I went on a date with the loser. So have fun with the priceless artifact and contact me with any further developments, just remember, I sacrificed my social life for that damn thing. Break it? And that Zim dude will look like a declawed kitten compared to my wrath capeshe?"

She then proceeded to book it out of there.

All eyes looked at the spelldrive placed on the old coffeetable in the corner, Michael gulped.

It was gingerly passed around the group. Then it beeped ... lighting up blue in Dib's small hands, a sheepish chuckle escaped.

"Well... I _did_ raise the dead before... it shouldn't really be a surprise that this thing activated." Dib amends, "a-huhn" s rung through the group.

Dib opened it and lines of glowing blue greeted everyones eyes.

"Well kid! Read us one of 'em!" Agent Darkbootie pushes.

Dib inhales-

"STAWP! DON'T SPEAK THAT ONE!" Agent Disembodiedhead screeches, Dib slams the spelldrive shut in fright, "that one would've either caused us to be mauled by unicorns or made a volcano erupt in Europe. Let's find a spell that won't _kill_ or permanently _maime_ anyone okay?"

Dib opens up the spelldrive once more, a certain page calls to him.

"How about this one?" Dib clicks on it.

Dexter scrutinizes the page, but eventually nods his head, "It's a simple enough spell, it would teleport one of those Irken fellows mentioned in the story here. No explosions, no raining clouds of radio active rabbits, and no Armageddon floods. It could truly prove that this story is true! I give my approval."

Dib began without further adue, the spell was conveniently made with English letters. Nobody thought of the possible consequences of the Irken murdering them all for the sudden rude teleportation to a backwater planet possibly trillions of lightyears away from their home planet.

A blue light enveloped them. One second they were in the base. The next they were in front of a mass of green-skinned, reflective-eyed, three-clawed, nose-less, un-earred Irkens with speak yet fuzzy antennae. One such specimen three inches in front of Dib's face, lean and green and paused mid-rant, eyes squinted, maw open displaying serrated square teeth that gleam like death. The _**entire population of Dib's city**_ blinked awkwardly at the sudden teleportation of themselves to the random placement on the Massive.

"umm... we come in peace?" Dib wanted to face-palms so much at the sheer stupidly of his utterance.

" **DIIIIIB!** " The small human populace immediately yelled.

" **ZIIIIIM!** " The much larger Irken population groaned.

Dib and the Irken infront of him wilted on the spot. That is, until Dib recognized the buzzed words said by the green inhabitants of the massive.

"Wait! YOUR ZIM!? THE **ZIM**?"

But nobody heard over the fires of guns and lasers.

Then everything went to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duga-crown(dark)  
> Isten-one  
> Baraqu-struck by lightning  
> Dimuzi-son who is life  
> Immaru- light  
> Baku- weep  
> Gula-lady who the dead brings back to life  
> Ana-For the purpose of  
> Ziusudra- his life-days prolonged  
> What Duga was trying to say...  
> Zimu- ‘my breath of life' zi-life, breath of life, mu-my  
> 


	2. Weird creatures and weirder history

****ZIM's P.O.V.******

The weird pale fleshy creature looked up at me with round orange blazing eyes, having had appeared before me mid-rant. I had wanted to be selected to join Operation Impending Doom II seeing as I had been a part of Operation Impending Doom I and had even been granted the right to pilot the Massive all by myself when I was put on trial. _As if I, the Mighty ZIM, could possibly be defective._ The Controlbrainz saw that I was in fact mighty and I am the only Irken to have ever piloted the Massive single handedly without having been bestowed the rank of Tallest. _Aaaah good times._

That aside, the Irkens around us immediately said my name to see if I had caused the problem. Granted I am guilty of utterly destroying Operation Impending Doom I with my impromptu destruction of a good portion of Irks... eheheh... But what surprised me was that new voices rung out that were definitely not Irken. And they said "Dib", the Being in front of me groaned and wilted as I had. So by connecting thoughts, this creature was probably as much of a trouble magnet as I. But then it had looked at me again, saying some weird words in it's language enthusiastically... it had said my name too, as if it knew me. Although I can swear I've never seen this creature before... it's eyes seem ethereal in it's familiarity. Perhaps my PAK is glitching and this is a technological de-ja-vu of some sort, but I swear I have seen those fiery depths and that weird flap of strands of protien on it's head before.

And then some smaller drone decided to screech and so did a few of the creatures that had appeared out of thin air, then came the lasers and guns firing. The creature in front of me looked spooked, looking back and forth trying to discern what exactly to do. It didn't appear to be aggressive, in fact, it had seemed to try and be as non-threatening as possible. Saying words clearly but quietly in it's own language until that moment when it said my name in what appeared to be recognition and dare I say Hope? But then a taller one with a similar protein style on it's head with what appeared to be a white robe of some kind and goggles came forward and snatched the creature in front of me, shaking it savagely.

This creature, who appeared to mean no harm was being harmed by it's own kind. I could not stand for it. My honor demands I do something.

I use my metal legs and seperate smaller creature from Taller creature and hiss disapprovingly.

The taller creature makes a grab for the familiar being and I meet him halfway, growling menacingly this time. If it doesn't get it by now then it's genepool is not fit to continue on for it will die from it's stupidity. It seemed to see reason after that, the creature that had been throttled huddled behind me, keeping a respectful distance from my PAK and not touching me, but it stayed behind and in clear sight, smart creature that it was. The taller spoke and snarled and growled more of it's words and turned away. Right into the shot of a laser.

It hit it in the arm and red gushed from it's wound. My optic eyes red a primitive form of our red blood cells coursing through it's veins. The creature behind me shouted and dashed after the others fallen form, _ok not as smart as I thought_.

But I was pleasantly surprised by it's maneuvering through the danger zone of guns and lasers. It slid inbetween legs, vaulted over and around Irkens, and even flipped on a wall to get to it's fallen race. It's black robe fluttering behind it like a primitive form of bird, it took off it's robe and ripped it's underclothing, making what a medical drone would to stop the bleeding using the cloth. _So rudimentary knowledge and a half decent amount of brains._

Once it was done treating the once enemy creature, it then proceeded to yell and almost throttle it. Whacking it on the head and pointing to a clear area of ground, growling and yelling a few choice words at it. The _Taller_ creature grudgingly followed the _smallers_ directions, sitting in the area and scowled at all who passed.

The smaller creature, that I now noticed had a flabby piece of flesh on each side of it's large head and a unique piece with two holes right in the middle of it's face, rushed back to me and made the mini warzone seem like a smeet obstaclecourse. It held out it's gloveless hand which had-wonders never cease- five fingers and made a shaking gesture. I tried to do the same but not touch it's fleshy limb but it didn't seem content with my perfect pantomime of it's earlier action. It held up a hand and made a universal gimme gesture. I slowly and very cautiously held out my right hand, it slowly reached with it's own right hand and shook it up and down gently, then let go.

Then it showed it's teeth. _WHAT DID I DO WRONG!? WHY IS IT SHOWING IT'S TEETH AT ME!? MAYBE I DID IT WRONG? MAYBE THIS WAS A FORM OF AGGRESSION?_ It continued grinning but it's teeth were covered by slightly rosy lips, it said something and then walked away.

_Is this thing backwards? Was it-was it angry at me? Was it showing aggression? It didn't attack me afterwards. Was I not good enough to be aggressive towards?_

That had me reeling, I followed the blasted creature. But all it did was do the same it had with the others of it's kind, whack them, tell them off in it's language, help them, and then point them to a clear spot to stay. One of the taller creatures wasn't complying and then I saw it battle. It was fluid and had the other on it's stomach in less time than a few invaders I know, though heavy set, it still impressed me.

Then came the smaller creature with a purple proteined head. It fought without even looking at the Irken in front of it, taping away at a beeping piece of technology. And when _my_ creature- _yes it is mine because this thing seems to have only tried to communicate with me so far and kept interaction with other Irkens as small as possible, only gesturing a "shoo-shoo" with it's hands and growling at the ones that weakly pointed guns at it_ \- started talking with the purple proteined creature it scoffed and made a hand gesture at my creature who in turn scoffed, rolled it's eyes, then growled out a few words.

And just as some Irkens and the creatures were finally getting the sense of my creature, some tiny moron shot the piece of primitive tech from the purple creatures hands. My creatures eyes got huge, it's hands went up and he screamed like a slaughtered slaughtering rat-person, it spotted me, dove for me, and tackled me to the ground. Strong lithe muscles rolling as it tried to keep my struggling form down, that is... until I saw the purple headed creature rise from the ground and explode random screens and wall sockets with a flick of her hand. Eyes open all the way and revealing pure malicious fire. It reminded me a great deal of Tak... oh controlbrainz help us if those two clash.

The creature on me was shaking and when the purple headed creature finally floated down, all fighting had stopped. Thankfully the Tallest had been whisked away the moment my creature appeared directly infront of them out of nowhere. My creature stood shakily holding out a hand, when I didn't immediately grasp it it huffed and grabbed my hand roughly and lifted me to my feet. Brushing dust and rubble off of my robe, it stood in front of me and showed it's teeth again. I quirked an antenna at him and squinted my eye. It rolled it's own and and proceeded to grasp my hand once more and shake. I thought for a moment then pulled my lips back and proceeded to show my teeth. It took a step back but then made a weird "Haha" sound. It then hid it's teeth, though it's weird fleshy lips stayed in the same shape, I repeated it's actions. It nodded it's head and made a happy sound.

It then held out it's hand again. _I grabbed it confidently and then it lead me to a group of humans in a circle. It said my name, pointed to me... and then held up a _ **SPELLDRIVE**_._

My PAK's programming took over and I had my creature pinned to the ground with one of my PAK limbs and the cursed object in my hands in all of a second. _THIS was how they all got here, and damn was I right about my creature being a trouble magnet! HE activated the Spelldrive._ The glowing blue disappeared from the spelldrive as soon as it was out of my creatures hands and then it fell unconscious, if the readings from my PAK are reliable, I stab the spelldrive repeatedly with my PAK limbs. _It is gone. The long lost spelldrive has been destroyed. The weapon that almost caused our downfall millions of years ago has finally been officially destroyed._ I huff releaved and cradle the sleeping form of my creature to my chest. _There's no way that it knew what it truly was-what it could have caused... sort of like how I didn't know those chutes were vital in the smeeting process and that accident created Horrible Painful Overload Day. Good thing I destroyed it before my creature caused anymore trouble._

The group of creatures mine had brought me to were speechless, one started yanking it's protein out of it's head, and if the protein is anything like Irken antenna... that has got to hurt.

One started yelling at me and made to hit me but another threw him back, a sharp word or two and the other turned away from it. _These creatures are so violent to each other. How do they survive without cutting eachother's necks?_ The one that had defended me held out it's hand, I did what my creature had showed me, shuffling his body to where his large cranium rolled onto my shoulder and neck removing a supportive arm, and I shook his hand. It was startled for a moment but I pointed at the sleeping too-light bag of bones I was holding and it made a similar "hahah" noise my creature had made before.

I grinned without teeth and it made a "follow me" gesture. I did and he procured a flattish rectangle object. It started typing words and then words in an ancient dialect of some language ppeared. It was almost exactly the same as the ancient Irken used in the time that the Spelldrives almost ended the Irken Empire. It then showed me a summary of what happened written in the ancient language. _So you CAN communicate with us. But you don't know the language. Ok, I can work with this!_ I turned away, "INVADER Sneakyonfoota! GET YOUR PAK OVER HERE! WE NEED A TRANSLATOR THAT CAN TRANSLATE ANCIENT IRKEN OVER HERE!"

Said Irken Invader ran over, squinting cautiously at the group of creatures. I grabbed him by the PAK with my free hand and made him look me in the optics, "Now listen, these creatures are intelligent. They came here by accident using the lost spelldrive we've been searching for and created Operation Impending Doom to find. I destroyed it, thank Tallest, but they have a primitive device that roughly translates an ancient language of theirs that's almost exactly the same as ancient Irken. I need you to help that creature over there with the black flattish rectangular device with translating and getting some information on what the flark is going on. I need a uhh... Vet-drone immediately for the one I knocked unconscious. And tell them no dissecting, this one hasn't been violent and trusts me. It also seems to be a leader of sorts to the other creatures despite it's small stature, I do not think it would go well to treat them like unintelligent animals."

With that said, Invader Sneakyonfoota calls a drone over and gives him commands, then goes over to the creature I had asked him to and types in a few letters. The conversation starts well, the creature ends up making that "hahah" noise as the invader chuckles. I look down at my sleeping creature and sit down with it laying it's large head in my lap, "So that was what you were doing... you were laughing at me huhn big-headed... thing? Well, I guess even I can find the humor in that weird conversation. But you really are a trouble magnet... much like me you try your best to stay out of it huhn."

My hand touches my creatures head protein, I look around and see no one looking, I take off my glove and gently and cautiously card my hand through it. It's the softest thing I've ever touched, silky, and smooth. Nothing like the hard yet sleak antenna of Irkens. And the fact that it's naturally warm makes me want to make a blanket out of it and sleep, _where have I felt this before?_ , it weirds me out. A small snuffle comes from my creature, it lifts it's hands to put under it's head, long legs curling up, it snuggles further onto me, and makes a content sounding sigh. The heat from it's form is addictive, Irkens being cold-blooded make us rather like warm-things.

I snort at it's cuddly act and pat it's head, petting him softly as I carefully put my glove back on my other hand. Then the picture of contentedness is broken by a fool vet-drone that commands me not touch my creature. I ignore them blatantly and gently place my creature on the cart and follow the indignite vet-drone, _I am taller than you fool._ They run several manditory tests and I find out my creature is a _he_. And he also has a massive amount of Ziana shi, so much that the vet-drones are looking very predatory... they're practically drooling, and I have the distinct feeling that they truly want to chop him up right then and there. A loud hiss from me gets there attention that 1. no, they cannot hurt him and 2. No, I will not be leaving them to experiment on him either.

My creature awakens a few hours later holding his head and groaning in the way every normal being does when their head is hurting and glares at me. I cackle at it's attitude and grin without teeth. It pouts but when the human from before, accompanied by Invader sneakyonfoota speaking it's language come in, his face nearly splits with teeth showing.

The Irken Invader dashes over to me. "It's amazing Zim! They know about the tale of the last Meekrob defeat! You know the long-lost planet where the Irken race defeated the Meekrob? That's there planet! They call themselves hyuumuns, the one you communicated with is one of the group that found the spelldrive. They say it only worked for that hyuumun and that the spelldrive malfunctioned when they tried using it. But what I can tell from the story they discovered with the spelldrive... the spelldrive had a reverse spell on it. They had tried to teleport one of us to their planet to give more validation to the story, and then send us back after they had proof of our existence, but it sent their entire CITY to the Massive because of it. Some of them didn't even believe in other intelligent species until after this spell. There's even two or three that think this is all some elaborate joke being played. But that's not even the best part Zim! THE STORY MENTIONS YOU! The lone Irken Invader that took down the Meekrob was none other than the Irken before you! Your REINCARNATION! HE EVEN REQUESTED YOUR NAME! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE ONLY IRKEN WITH A 'Z' IN YOUR NAME ZIM! IT WASN'T EVEN AN IRKEN LETTER UNTIL HE REQUESTED IT! Maybe that's why the Controlbrainz said you were the worthiest Irken!? Damn! This is amazing! But what the hyuumuns think is funny is that that smeet you've been communicating with over there-Dib- he's sort of the reincarnation of the hyuumun who partnered with your reincarnation to take down the meekrob! No wonder you two hit-it off so well." Invader Sneakyonfoota finished gulping for air, the Invader really was passionate about ancient Irken history, and with that spark came an affinity with ancient languages.

I tried taking in that knowledge and found it ironic, to think I had found him familiar before... that explains a lot really.

'Dib' was probably getting the same story fed to him by the hyuumun Invader Sneakyonfoota had gotten the information from. My Dib, _he is still mine_ , then began tinkering and putting together a device, bringing out bits and pieces of metal from his long black robe and adding to it. But then he seperates it and puts it in his ear, the other piece he puts around his throat.

"Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3. Can you hear and understand me Zim?" The object around his neck says in his voice, in modern Irken.

I grin without teeth and my antenna quiver, "Yes I can hear and understand you Dib-hyuumun. Did you _just_ create that device from scratch?"

My Dib grins as well, laughing in his language and chirping in mine, "Yeah, I do it all the time. Making things from scratch that is, this isn't even one of my best inventions. My dad's a whole lot better at it than I am, thanks for defending me back there by the way... he was pretty pissed. I-I have this bad habit of getting into trouble... I accidentally raised the dead once and he's been angry at me whenever I do something wrong ever since. This whole spelldrive screw-up was my fault. It wouldn't have even opened if I hadn't activated it... I don't even know why it activated. I also want to say I'm sorry about making you go psycho with the spelldrive. I understand why you destroyed it, but did yah really have ta knock me out dude?" My 'Dib' chuckles at that last bit good naturedly.

I do feel kind of guilty about knocking him out but when the PAK takes over, it normally _kills_ threats. Thankfully I was able to restrain myself from killing him... but he doesn't need to know that...

I look down like a scolded smeet, "I'm sorry about that... My PAK immediately alerted me and I acted on instinct. It's not hurting too bad is it? I-I'm sorry..." My antenna bent back awkwardly, trying valiantly not to run my hands and antenna through his hair to check for further damage.

My Dib turns a reddish color, a stark contrast to the pale white he was before, color change in my kind that quickly is a sign of sickness. My restraint breaks and I'm upon him, hands on his flushed cheeks and antenna searching for harm on his head. I almost moaned from the heat of his head, that added with his silky head protein and heady scent of hormones and a sugary smooth sweet floral smell had me reeling, my teeth meer inches from his neck-A cough from Invader Sneakyonfoota, and a chuckle from my Dib snapped me back to reality.

I jumped back, coughing and shaking myself, trying to get rid of the lingering effects of... EVERYTHING of the Dib. _What was I about to do!? If I had done THAT!!!! TALLEST WHAT IS THIS HYUUMUN DOING TO ME!?_

Dib seemed to calm down, "So you have antenna... is that how you guys smell and hear?"

Taken aback by the sudden question, "uhhh... yes, though we have small olfactory sensors right where you have that small flap of... cartilage? In the middle of your face. And yes, the antenna as you called them, are mainly for hearing, but they also sense movement through the air. They are very sensitive, a warning to the wise, don't touch an Irken's antenna without espress permission." _Well don't I sound like a week-old smeet repeating lines from the knowledge board._

"oh good to know, that piece of cartilage is what we call a nose, and if you're gonna comment on the flappy cartilage on either side of my head... those are called ears, they let us hear, but if something happens to one it can greatly effect our sense of balance. Basically It could have us resorting to crawling on the floor like toddlers. So how old are you Zim? Er-I'm a senior in high skool, 17 Earth years old... I don't know how you guys tell time or years, never mind... that was an awkward question." The Dib turned a lighter shade of pink just a tinge on the red side.

"From the information gathered when we did a check-up on you, because you were knocked out by me, your on the brink of getting out of _puberty_? I think that's what you hyuumuns call that stage in life? I recently got out of it. So I suppose I'm roughly around 20 years old in Irken age? Though from what the researchers could tell, hyuumuns have very short life-spans compared to Irkens... your around 3 Irken years old. I'm a good 12 Irken years old. But that's also due to the species I suppose. You guys haven't gotten very far in the way of technology... but a question of my own, why does your skin change color like that? For Irkens it is a sign of illness to suddenly change color. Is it a form of camouflage on your planet?"

My Dib's color turns a darker shade of pink, "It-It's to show emotions. If we're embarrassed or shy... or-or too hot, then we turn a reddish color. But we can pale if we're frightened or have major bloodloss. Good guess with the camouflage, though that's not it. We do have a type of reptile on our planet that does that, It's called a chameleon. So your roughly 68 years old in human years? Dang. But then again, different species different life-spans, so your like 20 years old in your race... I guess it's weird talking to a toddler." He then makes a sheepish chirp of laughter. It's strange how he is becoming shy now, he practically dragged me along with him when we first met. The hyuumun that goes by the name Dexter and Invader Sneakyonfoota exit the room rather reluctantly on the Irken's part.

My Dib yawns, revealing a mix of herbivore and carnivore teeth, "Get some rest hyuumun. You have had a long few hours."

Dib grins, but soon it disappears, "I have a-a sort of illness called insomnia Zim. I've got to take pills to knock my ass out in order to get any sleep, my brain activity never slows down enough for REM sleep to occur. I-I don't have those pills with me. Truth be told, today has been the first time in several days that I've actually slept."

I raise and Antenna and squint an eye at My Dib, "That cannot be healthy hyuumun. I will see to it that you get some medication to induce this REM sleep so you may recharge. But for now, close your eyes and hush up. The medic's are busy enough with the imbeciles that attacked each other, granted they probably deserved their wounds. Still, a small nap should suffice to hold you over until the idiots are healed. And don't worry, I'll stay with you and make it very clear to the vet-drones that you are not to be disturbed."

My Dib turns a light shade of pink with a smile that shows just a carnivores tooth or two, "Thanks Zim... *yawn* I'll try. I'm just glad, *yaaaaaawn* that I got to meet y-…" Dib's head lightly rolls to the side and his eyes flutter shut, soft adorable snores escape him.

I caress his single black disobedient strand of head protein and rest my head on the bed. "I'm glad I met you too Dib..." _My hyuumun._


End file.
